Uncertainty v Certainty

It has been six months since mums seizure and we have all been in a constant state of uncertainty. No one knew what had caused it. We didn't know if it could happen again. It came out of the blue. No one was really managing her case in terms of side effects or the flutters in her vision as she called them. There were visits to emergency, doctors to try and sort out her medication.

Even in the lead up to christmas after the most recent scan in the follow up appointment they said they weren't sure and would ring later. That night they got the call about the operation.

We have been on tender hooks for all this time. I am sure Dad has slept with one eye open and we have always made sure that someone is with her. She returned to work, but on the other days we ensured she had company.

Now the operation has happened. The doctors were thrilled with how well she recovered from the operation. They felt that they got most of the tumour with a little still too far in to interrupt but were pleased with the outcome. The sunshine and smiles were sucked from us on Monday night.

Poor mum was all alone when she got the news from pathology. The tumour was cancerous. Stage 4, Aggressive. She was given a life expectancy.

I got the first call. I knew it wasn't a good call immediately and she was worried how to tell dad. Should he have one more night of good relaxed sleep, not knowing and knowing she was safe in hospital. We agreed that no one would sleep if he didn't know so she had to tell her husband of over 45 years the horrible news.

I raced up there to be with him but really it hadn't sunk in. I think I was in a daze for a few days. Keeping exceptionally busy (a plus my house is really clean and tidy) but not processing. The other night I spoke with my brother who is slightly further through the process I suppose which was really helpful. I have also started doing some work on myself, meditation and about negative thoughts.

So I still have trouble talking about it and even thinking about it, but the last 2 days I have this overwhelming feeling that she is going to be ok. We have about a month before she starts treatment, which I understand to be radio and chemo therapy. She has a really positive attitude - most of the time. She is healthy and in good spirits and ready to fight. She had a body scan before the operation and was clear which is a positive. Of course she has her down times and I can only imagine how worried she is about everyone else. However, the mind is a powerful organ and can do miraculous things if we believe.

I still don't know though whether knowing or not knowing is better.