Goodbye

i couldn't work today. Mum had to go into hospital for scans prior to her operation today and I just didn't think I was up to it. As it turned out she ended up staying there in preparation for the operation and I was really glad I had made that decision.

Mum called just after three. They were on their way to our place, having been told they were home for the night, only to be called back in to the hospital, where they had been all day, to have more tests etc. As you can imagine, this only served to scare mum further and she decided she wanted to see us first.

I picked the boys up from school and Mum and Dad were already at our house. They were having a cup of tea and the boys were chatting about their day until we felt the mood change. Mum was saying goodbye.

Of course she is scared. We all are. Brain surgery is nothing to be sneezed at. On top of this she has been so sick and frail of late that there is a real possibility that she wont make it. Or if she does make it, there are some serious risks. Memory, speech and vision are the top three at risk. Oh and ability to walk. All pretty serious stuff.

We have had this chat once before, however that time we didn't know it was cancer. We hadn't talked about terminal. We only had a mild risk, of an operation. The normal risk. This time was much different. The risk was bigger and we all knew it. We were saying goodbye - just in case.

She knows we love her and we know she loves us. Each day since her initial seizure we have been so much more vocal about our love. We are much more in the moment, and that life is so much more fragile. But there is something so final about saying it to someone, to whom you may never see again that is just so much harder. We simply focus on the fact that we are truly blessed to have the opportunity to say it, when so often there is not the option.

Now all that we can do is wait and hope and find something to distract us.