Its the little things that seem to be the toughest to deal with. Grief is never far away, but it tends to sweep up and engulf you like a freak wave at the beach.
I was at Dad's today with the intent on tidying up a little. We haven't done any of that yet- everything is kind of how she left it. I needed to tidy up some fabric that was exploding and trying to make its way out the back door. I moved some machines around, sorted some fabric and threw out scraps that had already been made into garments. Some reminders of clothes she had made and worn - also some things cut out and never sewn. I even chucked these! There was a pile of mens shirts cut out circa 2003 that I reckon I would NEVER get to, and they probably wouldn't fit now so out they went. All fine - sad, but fine.
What was not fine was putting the lid over her machine. I really did it without thinking. Just put the protective cover over it, to get it out of the way, but also to keep the machine clean. It was this small movement that really felt like the end. She would never sit there again and everything was just as she'd left it. She last touched it. Its some time ago now, but it was her touch. Her things. Things she will never touch again. I can't remember when she last sewed, but it was like she had just walked away for a minute. I almost expected her to walk back in, but she never will.
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