Closing the lid

Its the little things that seem to be the toughest to deal with. Grief is never far away, but it tends to sweep up and engulf you like a freak wave at the beach.

I was at Dad's today with the intent on tidying up a little. We haven't done any of that yet- everything is kind of how she left it. I needed to tidy up some fabric that was exploding and trying to make its way out the back door. I moved some machines around, sorted some fabric and threw out scraps that had already been made into garments. Some reminders of clothes she had made and worn - also some things cut out and never sewn. I even chucked these! There was a pile of mens shirts cut out circa 2003 that I reckon I would NEVER get to, and they probably wouldn't fit now so out they went. All fine - sad, but fine.

What was not fine was putting the lid over her machine. I really did it without thinking. Just put the protective cover over it, to get it out of the way, but also to keep the machine clean. It was this small movement that really felt like the end. She would never sit there again and everything was just as she'd left it. She last touched it. Its some time ago now, but it was her touch. Her things. Things she will never touch again. I can't remember when she last sewed, but it was like she had just walked away for a minute. I almost expected her to walk back in, but she never will.

A month

Today marks one month since mum died. There are lots of little milestones like this along the way, but I think the grief is getting harder, not easier to deal with. With the boys, life goes on. I have to get up every morning and get them off to school and then all the after school activities. Its that time in the middle which drags. The quiet time. The lonely time.

Towards the end of her life, mum was really sick - really very sick. All my day was about caring for her, and also for dad. Making sure he got to get out a little bit - not for fun but to do those jobs. When she passed, it was all about the funeral and making arrangements. Letting people know and managing to talk to everybody. Even with the funeral done, there was still a lot going on. Now theres not.

With a month passed, memories of the sickness are fading. The constant worry has gone. I don't jump every time a phone rings now. Now theres just nothing- a big empty hole that nothing can ever fill. What I miss the most is just talking to mum. I spoke to her every single day - sometimes more than once. Just chatting about things we'd seen or things we'd done, or silly things the boys had done. That is what makes me the saddest - when something happens and I just want to ring mum and let her know, but then I remember, she's not there any more.

Now I have made a decision - I am going to use this blog as if I was talking to my mum. A way of saying all those things, a record of the trivialities, and maybe even a way to help me get through. Because much as anyone wants to help and tries to help, the reality is that I need to drag myself through and find a way to make it work.