Balance

Off with the girls last night to see Eat Pray Love. It was good, but not great. I have read the book and was probably expecting too much and was disappointed. However one theme that did resonate with me was Balance. I have been feeling my own Balance is a bit off of late - but couldn't really out my finger on what it was, and really if nothing else, the movie has helped me define it.

My job is to stay home and raise the children. I am exstatic that I have the opportunity to do this and I love them to pieces, but it is a constant and often thankless job. There is no start time, as it is a 24/7 job. Breakfast, dressing, washing, cleaning, driving, delivering, monitoring, feeding, watering - there is sadly very little time for play. In addition to mother, there is wife, office manager & kinder responsibilities that constantly take it out of me and that everything that I do seems to be for everybody else.

On the flip side is me, what I want to do and be. My head is bursting with ideas, all the time. What we could do with our small business, how we could improve the kinder, my own crafting project and even fun things to do with the kids. It feels at the moment that the day to day grind is getting in the way of all that. Throw in three kids on antibiotics and if feels like it is all going down the plughole.

In my head I think I can plan what balance should look and feel like, but I cant seem to get that plan into reality. This week I have been out the last two evening. Both times after dinner with the kids heading into bed, but I am still out. The kids are unsettled and don't sleep well. Add my own sleep deprivation to the mother guilt of leaving the kids and I just feel awful.

A morning meditation (like the movie) would probably go a good way to aleviating this condition- but at the moment I am not willing to sacrifice even a minute of sleep time. What I think I will do is work on is just letting some things go.