Time

Time really was on my mind today. For the first time in a month I had some time to myself. I was off to my pilates class and happy to get back into the routine a little. I had missed it. Not only the exercise, but the opportunity to be by myself - regroup and focus. The chance to have a clear thought. This year one of my goals is to do that more. I am a better person all round when I do - and a much better mum.

I was then lucky enough to have the opportunity to meet up with a girlfriend to wander the shops. Both of us sans kids - I couldn't remember the last time thats happened. It was nice to be able to have a conversation that flowed without interruption, but I was conscious of mum at home with the kids so it didn't last too long. I got a calendar and pens from a lovely friends generous gift and went home to use them. Now I have a lovely little hub where everthing should be organised from. With two little boys heading off to school shortly, I need to be on top of things.

Happy New Year

This year I have resolutions.

They are Do rather than Do Nots

They are No rather than Yes

They are Slow and Steady

Action rather than Reaction

Happy New Year and lets hope its a Corker!!

Open Road

The twins have been at me since their birthday to go for a bike ride and for whatever reason, that hasn't happened. Today Xandy had a play date so it was the perfect opportunity.

We set off on the local bike path - slightly unprepared for our ride (no water!!) and went the opposite way I had expected they'd choose. They are getting really good on their bikes and I had to ride at speed which is nice to do. The only issue is that Benji rides flat out and Spencer enjoys the scenery. I am in the middle yelling at one to slow down and one to speed up - with probably all of us getting the directions mixed up. There were moments of bliss where we all rode together.

We rode further and longer than any of us had expected as we were on the hunt for water. We turned around when we eventually found a drinking tap in a playground. On the way back we stopped at Hungry Jacks for an ice cream as a 2 hour ride in the heat is enough to give anyone an appetite.

What I think surprised me the most was how much fun I had. The boys are real characters and getting out in the fresh air and only concentrating on them and enjoying the surrounds is something I haven't done enough of. I was able to slow down (or speed up - now even I'm confused) and enjoy the moment - and that in itself is a step in the right direction.

Creeping Up

The kids went back to school today and I breathed a big sigh of relief. We had made it through Alexander's "16 days of Freedom" and now we return to normal transmission.

We started last night getting organised, laying our clothes out on the bed in preparation for the day and this morning we actually early to everything. No yelling, no tv, everything done and out the door with everyone happy!! I returned to get back on top of the paperwork and stuff.

I finally RSVP'd to my school reunion today. It was late because forgot how time slips away. It is really hard to believe that 20 years have passed since I finished school!This time 20 years ago we would have been facing exams having had a mad night out in town celebrating the end of school life. In fact I still have the 70's inspired tights I wore that night in my drawer.

I never understood when my Mum would say she didn't feel as old as she was until I realised I am old. I feel older than 18 as I was at school, but I wouldn't feel more than 25-26 - certainly not 38!! Good grief, forty is looming like a big grey cloud.

In my head there is always plenty of time. I thought I had a chance to get fit and toned, partake in some last minute miracle anti ageing regime and even do something amazing so I had something to talk about. Not to be too unrealistic, but I don't think a week is really enough time. No doubt I will be running late, grabbing something out of my wardrobe last minute and do my makeup in the car on the way there. Some things never change!!!

Psyched

I've been psyched and I don't think I like it.

I started seeing a psychologist to get help with managing the boys. It is through our local council so when it was really bad in April, by August when I got my first appointment, it has kind of managed itself. Still she is really helpful and really nice. She is also really good.

It probably doesn't seem like it here, but I don't really like talking about myself. The first appointment was fine because we weren't talking about me, it was about the boys and I had done a lot, talked to people, researched, seen specialists, so that we were talking in a conversation rather than answering questions. However, this time it changed and she managed to get me to think and talk about things that I didn't really want to. Maybe not want to but didn't enjoy may be a better explanation.

So I went from looking forward to having a chat, to coming out feeling flat. It is not her fault just got me thinkin', and thats not always fun.

Community

I don't like to get involved.

Seems like a big statement, I always like to help, and in my mind have grand plans, but ultimately I usually over think things and decide that it is best if I stay out of it.

Today was different. Automatically, I got involved and helped a friend (fellow kinder committee member) who was in a car accident. I saw her and her three children on the side of the road being comforted by someone else I knew, but they did not know each other.

My reaction was automatic. I was driving home from my drop offs by myself with no where to be and pulled over to help. We piled the kids in my car and got her sitting down. They were all ok - despite the other car flipping over. I was happy to just be, no rush, whatever they needed.

It all worked out ok. Everyone was safe - no one very hurt - all good (as an accident can be) But, I felt good. I was glad that I could actually help her, and didn't expect anything in return. She was happy to see a face she knew. Other school mums were pulling over to see if I was ok - which was really thoughtful and it felt good to be involved and a participant in my community.

When I grow up

What do you want to be when you grow up?

This was the question put to me by my 7 year old tonight.

"You know you can do anything you want Mum", he continued, "as long as you are here in the morning to take me to school and in the afternoons to pick me up"

Well, there it is. While I thought it was darling that I still have the opportunity to grow up, it really made me think. I always talk to the boys about being able to do anything that they want, but hearing it come back to me is really confronting I suppose. I did however get a little giggle about his 'restrictions'.

With the boys growing up and gaining more and more independence I have started to think about working again. I have been lucky enough to be able to stay at home - well in a sense it was almost easier than trying to arrange care for three boys - and cheaper not to work frankly. That being said, I do miss the work environment. I like finishing a task, chatting with adults about rubbish tv. However, I don't think that I want to go back to my old career....

I used to work in HR - both internal and external recruitment in the pharmaceutical industry. Sounds thrilling I know. I really liked it - particularly internal HR - but now, with my own family, I don't think I could go and be the "Mum" at work. You know, the adjudicator, policy setter, basically the fun police. It is hard enough at home, but to do the same stuff with adults who are getting paid!! No thanks.

Which leads me to now. The wonderland - with a lot more wonder. What is it that I would like to do? Really the question isn't so much about me now, but my family. I do want to be there in the morning and the evenings after school - at least while they are little. I do want to be available for school holidays which there seems to be an awful lot of. I don't know what people do who only have 4 weeks annual leave per year do for the other 9 weeks a year their kids are at home?? So I am working it out in reverse and seems like I am crossing out the things that I don't want to do. Maybe if I keep going I will actually narrow it down to something I do want to be....

15 minutes

I have started a new habit - well trying anyway. I found this site though 74 Lime Lane and am jumping at the challenge. Most of what she said resinates with me.

The first question - Are you living in CHAOS? (Cant have anyone over syndrome?) Well its a big yes from me. The cleaning and organising drops to the bottom of my to do list, and when people are coming over, I fall into a flat spin and like a tornado clean the surface.

The concept of it is to develop habits that make cleaning and organising your home easier, but also de-cluttering and looking after yourself - not just everyone else.

How it works is the FLYLady (Finally Loving Yourself) sends me an email everyday telling me what to do. The first day was polish the sink and I have to do this every day. The second one was get up and get dressed straight away -right to shoes ready to walk out the door. Today I got additional emails about stopping procrastinating and doing a list of things - which I did because I was told to.

So today I have made all the beds, changed the sheets, washed and put away all the dishes, scrubbed the bathroom, washed and folded clothes as well as made myself presentable. Not only have I done this but the kids have helped!

Everything seems to be split into 15 minute blocks so we have been setting the alarm and going for it. There are even times you have to rest for 15 minutes. I have not been this regimented with my time since I was feeding!

The boys are also embracing the challenge - they all had to dress themselves, put out their dirty clothes and make their beds in 15 minutes today and actually they were pretty successful. Benji helped with the sheets and Xandy helped scrub the bath. The other massive success was at dinner. Normally we can sit for what seems like hours with the kids trying to get them to eat their dinner. They had 15 minutes and what wasn't eaten went to the dog. The timer seemed to take away the tears and the dog only got some scraps. Lets hope I can make these habits permanent.

Oh - and for the procrastination challenge I took photographs of all the boys artwork for the digital frame. Some has gone in the 'precious' cabinet and the rest becomes wrapping. Any extra goes to the bin and I have a clean space! My 15 minutes blogging is up!!!

Work it

The big Squirrel has his own business which I do the back end of. To say we have different styles is an understatement and is often the cause for raised voices in our house. I am constantly trying to come up with new ways to 'convert' him to make my life a little easier. The latest is these folders. Once for work to do, to invoice, to pay and to file. Simple little letters to (in facebook font) written in permie texta. Even if it doesn't work, it will make my piles look a little neater.

Challenge

Two things have moved me to make a change (yes another one!!) The first is all the motivational words I've been seeing (and pinning) on Pintrest. Most of the ones I like are about procrastinating and getting on with things. I see the pattern.

The other one was the radio- you know when you are half asleep and they are talking about something and it weaves its way in to create stupid dreams? Yeah, well that happened and starting today.........I am only drinking water!

Big call I know but that seems to be the only way I get things going, and one I get past 21 days, it gets better and becomes normal. At this point, well before today, I literally drank no water. Like none - unless you count the stuff that had a tea bag soaking in it, because I do have a lot of that stuff, but no clear, hydrating water. With winter upon us, and the heating on everywhere, I have started to feel the effects and feel a bit like a dried out sponge - on the inside.

I am sure there will be lapses, and I can feel a bit of a caffeine withdrawal coming on already, but as I nurse my mug of hot water at this point I resolve to flush out my body from the inside and try to grow a fondness for my new freshwater friend.

This may be more of a challenge.

Throw some light on it

Before - expensive light fitting. 12 globes at $12 each which last approx 1 hour each - and not all the same hour.

After - 3 new bayonettes and the cheapest fittings. Lots of light and a happy feeling all over

These have just come out of the packets. They are continuing to straighten out.

Progress

Some times you cannot see changes. They are small or seem insignificant. Other times they appear as a major shift and you wonder how you didn't see it coming. Maybe you have to take a step back to see it - or other times it needs to be pointed out to you.

I got it pointed out not once but twice this week - and it was wonderful.

In working with Benji and his speech issues, it seems there is a lot wrapped up in it, his confidence, ability to socialise with peers, join in etc. This week I had an extra kinder duty (aren't they both a privilege and a chore) and the kinder teacher told me how much he had improved - in every aspect. He is chatty and open, able to join in the games at mat time and integrating more as part of the group. All the things I want him to be able to do. Subsequently we had another appointment with the new speechie (I forgot the first one!) and she pushed him to a new level and he was able to meet her expectations.

Obviously we have been taking baby steps and I haven't been able to see. Time to open my eyes.

Fly By

My beautiful butterfly lunches. Working with a kinder theme, for lunch, and a little distraction from advice and thoughtfulness. I don't know why my reaction is so strong, whether I don't believe it or just don't want to hear it. Not sure, just not happy and want it all to fly by me just like these butterflies did off the plates..................

Community

The kids have all attended the local sessional kindergarten and this year I lucked out and am president of the committee. This means I am dragged out of my comfort zone and have to actually engage real people in conversation (as opposed to any invisible people here)

Tonight we had our kinder welcome picnic(sorry no pictures as I didn't remember the camera). The weather was lovely and we actually had the best turn out ever. Pretty fabulous really. Often those things can be daunting to new parents coming and picnicing with random families but it was busy, the kids were having fun and the adults all chatting. There is a really nice feeling of community and comradery that you get in local organisations. I wish you could bottle it.

The big squirrel was stuck at work (darn self-employment!) so I was incharge of three overtired monkeys, but I survived - as did they. Solo parenting did make the presidential job a little easier. As I was wearing two hats nobody minded if I ran off mid sentence to coax one of my children down from something precarious.

Not that I am counting down, but theres only 9 months to go...........but that means my little babies are growing up and thats a bit sad. Reminder to self - live in the moment

I wish somebody would build a bridge...

...so I could get over myself. (from Thirsty Merc song)

I am really my own worst enemy. They say that you create your own destiny and I think I have added a few problem ingredients so it is not all going to plan.

Plan....there in essence is the problem. I like to plan. I have a vision and I see everything perfectly in my head. All laid out from top to bottom and I am forever trying to make that vision a reality - a perfect reality. When (of course) it doesn't happen, I get frustrated. It isn't only for special things such as a party or event but EVERY MORTAL MOMENT. My head is always buzzing about what I want to do, how I want it to be and to look that there is little time to actually DO any of it. My 'condition' has got worse since I had kids. My desire for them to have everything not only gets in the way of them having anything, but also of my happiness, so that they get an even worse experience than if I wasn't trying to do anything at all.

I want them to have an ideal childhood. I try to recreate the things that I really enjoyed and have carried from my childhood. Also I try to protect them from the things that I didn't like. Even that is draining. I now understand WHY I had the exact same ham and cheese sandwich for lunch every single day. I also remember not liking it every day for the 13 years at school, yet mum made it for me so it was easy to sit back and complain. The thought and effort it takes to create a variety in just one lunch box takes effort and I wonder if it would not be better that I just send him off with a standard lunch every day and gave him a little more attention would life be better??

The other challenge is my need to control every situation in line with my vision. This is tiring, but I also get frustrated that no one else knows what my vision is. Why aren't they on the same page as me and do what I see. This is particularly true of the poor big squirrel, who at times just cant seem to get anything right, and I understand his need to just stop trying because whatever he does it will be wrong. I would love to be able to 'plug him in' and show him the picture or plan - it would save so much angst.

Then throw into the mix three little boys that really don't care about the picture at all. They are free, carefree and should be free to have fun. I am already worrying about the future, forever trying to give them everything (in the metaphorical sense) so that they are prepared to face the world. But in doing that, I worry that they may not develop the skills to do it themselves....and all of this worrying about everybody else doesn't make me the best role model does it? I am not doing what makes me happy, fulfilling my dreams. If all that education comes down to deciding what to put in a lunchbox and I living up to my own expectations?

Life does not always go to plan, and I know I need to lighten up and just get on with things, and try to enjoy the little things. So, I am off to take my own advice and get over myself.

Finally - some sorting

Today was one of the first days that I was home without children. First time in like 4 years!! So I got in and did some tidying and sorting. It is amazing how much more one gets done without little helpers. Furniture was moved, learning zones established, floors vacuumed and moped. It is just so satisfying and it stayed like that for over an hour (just).

One thing I have been planning to do for ages was dealing with the prolific artwork. Each boy gets a tube for storing their artwork. I will use it later as wrapping or even cards. I also photographed each piece so that I can record their progression and also put them on display on our digital photo frame. So not only am I pleased with myself the boys are loving seeing their artwork on telly!

Opportunity

I have had the pile of my old clothes in my room for some time now. I was going to host a clothes swap but that I feel takes more organisation than I can muster. Then Alexander and I thought about giving them to Queensland flood victims, and they don't want them - they actually want money as they don't have any storage. Fair enough. Then we thought a garage sale and sell them off, but again that has only been talk. What prompted my action was the phone man came to fix the phone and had to go into my room where there are piles of clothes stacked! He didn't know that they are clothes for donation and I didn't need to tell him. It looked awful and I have to do something about it.

So I sorted and folded all the clean clothes and they are only good clothes - all the stained or pilled stuff went in the bin. The car was loaded and I was off to the op shop.

I went when they were open because I was trying to help. I would have even put the things on hangers. I got there and found the appropriate person who didn't at all seem very interested. She (begrudgingly) came out to the car and had a cursory glance and said "No thanks". No THANKS! I am giving you nice clothes, not asking for any money, not dumped in a garbage bag on your doorstep and you say no thanks. I said I had some new pieces there, and she picked up an unworn beaded sussans top and said, "our customers are really looking for quality". Now I was getting shirty, because she lifted that top off an Alanah Hill, D&G and Witchery top. Also I have been IN to the op shop and if they were looking for quality they would still be looking 'cause it ain't in there! Our exchange finished with her quip, "Welcome to the world of Op Shopping".

So, I walked away, not feeling very welcome or helpful still with a bootload of old clothes. At least they are out of my room!!

Time

Nothing notes the passing of time more that the growth of little children. Today was one of those days where I just felt old. We had a birthday party at a girlfriends house for both of her kids (1 & 6) and we were all gathered to celebrate.

In this photo is a group of girls I met at highschool and the fact we are celebrating a significant reunion this year means that I have actually known all of them more than half of my life. (Ugh - old)

Sadly this is the best photo I could muster, but it is interesting to see how far we have all come. There are lots of little babies, little children and it was a really lovely day. They all played so well together - like extended family which made the day much more enjoyable.

Happy (chinese) new year

We celebrated Chinese new year tonight with some yum cha style dinner finished off with fortune cookies. Sadly the fortunes were not as funny as this one - they were really just weird. Alexander got the same one twice which made him nervous.

Reminder to self - next year make own fortunes next year

Guru

Sometimes to change your life it takes a lightening bolt. Sometimes it can be much more subtle than that but it feels like you have been struck while holding an umbrella and dressed in tinfoil! I think you get the point- but I had one of those expeeriences last night. I went as normal me but came home with a totally new way of thinking, thanks to the guru.
My guru doesn't even realize the extent of her power. She is not doing it for my benefit, simply sharing her own experiences and how she is working through it and challenging herself. Her honesty and insight has helped me to begin to see things in a totally different way.
My own opinion of myself in my relationship is unselfish and always giving. I often feel misunderstood, not heard or not thought about. (see not selfish feelings at all - its just me me me!!!) The big squirrel and I have been together for 16 years next month and married for 10 in September. A lot has changed in that time- mortgages, marriage not to mention three beautiful but often time sucking boys. He has gone from being my only, to one of many. He can take care of himself, so I expect him to. I am not the girl he met, nor is he the boy I met, but that is really for the better.
He can drive me mental, after this long he knows just how to push my buttons, but thanks to my guru this is now also my issue not just his. We are so busy running and trying to keep up, that we are misreading and misinterpreting each others signals, affection and intentions. Sometimes it is so hectic and noisy that it is hard to imagine stealing a quiet moment to have a conversation.
In changing my thinking it will change my life, my relationship. I don't expect immediate results or for it to be easy but it is certainly worth the effort.
To my guru, you are a rare being. You truly have a unique insight, a divine turn of phrase and a beautiful caring nature. Thank you for being you and for sharing your guruness.