Closing the lid

Its the little things that seem to be the toughest to deal with. Grief is never far away, but it tends to sweep up and engulf you like a freak wave at the beach.

I was at Dad's today with the intent on tidying up a little. We haven't done any of that yet- everything is kind of how she left it. I needed to tidy up some fabric that was exploding and trying to make its way out the back door. I moved some machines around, sorted some fabric and threw out scraps that had already been made into garments. Some reminders of clothes she had made and worn - also some things cut out and never sewn. I even chucked these! There was a pile of mens shirts cut out circa 2003 that I reckon I would NEVER get to, and they probably wouldn't fit now so out they went. All fine - sad, but fine.

What was not fine was putting the lid over her machine. I really did it without thinking. Just put the protective cover over it, to get it out of the way, but also to keep the machine clean. It was this small movement that really felt like the end. She would never sit there again and everything was just as she'd left it. She last touched it. Its some time ago now, but it was her touch. Her things. Things she will never touch again. I can't remember when she last sewed, but it was like she had just walked away for a minute. I almost expected her to walk back in, but she never will.

A welcome distraction

 The boys do a lot of basketball which means I watch a lot of basketball. I have never played, but through many hours over the years, I am becoming a bit of an armchair expert. The twins are in 2 teams (thankfully together) and Xandy plays in three which makes five games on a weekend - not to mention training. When I write it I sound like one of those pushy stage mums but I can assure you that I'm really not. If they don't want to, they don't have to. To them they're having fun with their mates and now at seasons end we are actually at a bit of a loss and are already missing it.

When mum was sick, even at her sickest, she would always try and go to the games. We'd worked out all the wheelchair access and she would sit and watch. 40 minutes indoors is bearable, and as they've all improved it is actually fun and exciting to watch. I miss her on the sidelines, cheering the boys on, but managing to get them where they need to be is always a good distraction - and keeps the boys active and busy.

The twins have finished the season and their section has no finals, but they have all really improved. Spence is always out the back 'training' and Benji can aways manage a goal in the game.
Xandy has made 2 lots of finals - one for his under 10 team and also the grand final for rep which is extremely exciting, given the team was a mash up of those left over kids with no real coach and here they are at the grand final!

Made it

Today I made something. Actually made something. Its been hard because I always did that with mum and haven't been able to get moving since she's been gone. I had a special request from Alexander to make a tshirt for his mates birthday party tonight. Obviously I left it as long as I could until I simply HAD to do it, or face his wrath!

The birthday boy requested vouchers. While that is terribly practical, it is also a bit boring for the attendees, so Xandy wanted a little something extra. Birthday boy is a bit of a tech head, and has his own you tube channel and as such the tshirt design was the youtube app logo.

I stole from somewhere the image which is a very simple red and white graphic shape. I put this into the silhouette software and set up a cut file.

I cut the shape out on freezer paper which I used as a stencil. The freezer paper sticks with a hot iron, but will simply peel off when required.

I painted the required area with red fabric paint, using my finger to avoid brush marks.

Once it was dry, peeled off the stencil and tada! You tube t-shirt.

As I was time poor, I used the hairdryer to speed up the process and then iron the area before removing the stencil.

Then the image was complete and wrapped up in a little pressie. Obviously I didn't make the tshirt - I think that set me back a whole $2.

Edited to add: The pressie is still not delivered because my darling first born left the gift as someone else's house. I will have to make sure it gets to birthday boy and then find out what he thinks! Hrumph - boys. 

Fallen Arches

At pilates today the focus was again on my legs. The left side of my body is bigger than my right and everything is really out of balance. When I squeeze my gluets (or my bum) the muscles work really differently and this is what we were working on today. The exercised were broken down and what we found to be the cause of the weakness on my right was fallen arches. My lazy toes can't be bothered to do any work - they just hang around looking .... um... like toes and not doing any of their toe work. As a result my arches have fallen and then knees bend in and leg twists and whammo saddle bags to carry around. Toes - you have a lot to answer for!

Part of my thoughts to get my groove back, is moulding dad to be more like mum - he has to be both now and I headed out to lunch with him. He has joined a local club and was keen to get me there and it was really lovely. It does always help when the sun is shining, but it was really nice. 

I had then arranged a long overdue eye appointment for him. that has been on his to do list for a couple of years and he was really pleased to find out apart from some magnification needed, his eyes are pretty good. We got some proper glasses for him and even though it was sprung on him, he was pretty happy. 

Speaking of happy - I have one little boy who has discovered reading. Benji and Spencer have found reading to be difficult - due to a number of factors. There are 2 of them, they are the younger children and there is generally less time, and their learning disorder has made it all harder for them. By no means impossible, just harder. Xandy being 3 years older, I have almost forgotten what they need at this age.  

Anyway, I saw that Andy Griffiths had a new book out in his series, 52 story treehouse. The 4th book. I had seen Benji recently reading one of these and thought that he or Xandy may enjoy it. Benji was one book behind, so I gave it to Xandy, and found Benji the book he needed. 2 out of 3 boys really happy. Spencer however had never read any of this series and was feeling rather left out. He asked if I could buy him the first book. What kind of mum would I be if I said no to a book? So I bought it for him yesterday and tonight while everyone else was out, we cuddled up in my bed and he read it to me. He gave it a really good go and finished the entire book in 24 hours. He was so pleased with himself that when he finished it, he closed the front cover and gave the book a kiss. I was so proud and happy that he wanted to read. Not only did he want to, but he could. Giant leaps forward.

My night ended with champagne and cake at Italy 1. A girlfriend and I both lost our mothers in August. Nothing else about the situations was similar, execpt now neither of us has a mother. I felt a bit bad for the waitress. Obviously she thought good things were happening. Not many people make appointments for dessert. Then we ordered champagne - real stuff - without looking at the menu. She assumed that good things were being celebrated. She kept coming over, smiling, wanting in on the celebration. Eventually she had to ask, "What are we celebrating?" I knew she wanted to know, but sometimes you don't always want to tell people, but she really pushed the point so I replied - "Not celebrating - we both lost our mums last month."Well that is certainly a way to get rid of someone. She was stuck there for a moment - you could almost see her mind processing it and when the penny dropped she said, as quick as she could, "Well you both look beautiful" and practically ran away! Her departure gave us more time to catch up in a way we haven't been able to do before. Note to self - schedule more dessert dates.

Season 2

The twins have swimming at school at the moment. every second day they have to walk to the pool to do their lessons. I don't really know how much 'learning' is going on, but all the washing is becoming a bit of a drag and today is only day 2!!

I hit the shops with Mr P to get a few fathers day presents and came home with 2 DVD series that we've been hanging out for. The first is the second series of SMASH. I watched this on foxtel and loved it. Dad has seen the first series, but the second one took a long time to come out. There are only 2 series, the end of the second season is obviously THE END as they new when they were filming it that they weren't being renewed. It is behind the scenes of a broadway musical - some stars include Angelica Huston and Debra Messing (Will &Grace) but I loved the singing and dancing and backstage dramas.

The other series I missed so will be keen to watch. It is the second season of a show, DaVinci's Demons. The story follows Leonardo DaVini who is the ultimate renaissance man, in search of the truth. He is tortured by his own genius, his past and his own mind. While the first season begins with his art and inventions, this is quickly left behind and the story follows the power struggles, manipulation and religious righteousness of the period. I am really looking forward to watching this season. It doesn't hurt that Tom Riley who plays Leonardo is not hard to look at!

Bells are ringing

Take two of Alexander's gateways. I had the trip into the city scheduled for yesterday, and we did it only to find out it was today. I thought it strange that I had the date wrong- more so that I was actually early rather than forgetting it altogether, but theres been a bit going on, so bound to happen. Got in there today, a bit early thanks to yesterdays practice run - only to find out that it was right day but wrong spot! WHAT?? We found someone to deliver him, but seriously how could I be so totally stupid? Well, turns out it wasn't me. The trusty big squirrel, who'd done pick up last week had collected a letter, which he promptly lost and forgot about. It was only today, when I asked him if he'd got a letter that he remembered something about it. Not even yesterday, with an accidental trip into the city and then the rush to get Xandy back to school did this concept of a letter enter his head! Sometimes it feels like he does it on purpose. I don't think he's actually that malicious, however he is pinning a lot of things on his man flu that is annoying the pants off me. (metaphorically)

The day improved dramatically after its chaotic start. A pilates class cleared my head and opened my shoulders. Exercise has really helped and I look forward to it. Now I'm back to 2 classes a week and I really notice the difference in my body. I am trying to tone my legs so I can wear shorts in the summer. I really hope the pain is a sign that is working because my butt is killing me. Then I bounced from here to lunch with a girlfriend.

The chance to chat about things is always helpful, particularly with someone who has experienced the   loss of a parent. I think while you have both parents, you really can't appreciate the loss and now I seek advice from those people. Many of whom are at different stages - some recent, some many years ago and what I've learnt is it doesn't really get easier, you get better at managing yourself. 

I also have managed to get outside, and enjoy a bit of sunshine. Im no gardener, but have set up a bit of a garden as a place to think about mum. I have been busy weeding (understatement) and now have planted some colour, and split and replanted the abundant wild orchids that came with the house.  My mothers group girls gave me a water feature to help remember mum and that is up on the wall - where I can see it from inside and the whole area is really starting to look good. I need to stay on top of it as summer comes.

I would like to say the day finished there but we had more things to do. No basketball training, but we were off to taco bill for a break up dinner as season has finished for that particular team. Taco Bill is certainly nothing to write home about and the poor kids had to wait well over an hour for their dinner to arrive - even I could make Nachos in that time! Poor spencer missed out as he had gymnastics and of course Simon waited as long as he could to go and pick Spence up, but as soon as he was ready to leave, dinner finally arrived. Murphy's Law. 

A month

Today marks one month since mum died. There are lots of little milestones like this along the way, but I think the grief is getting harder, not easier to deal with. With the boys, life goes on. I have to get up every morning and get them off to school and then all the after school activities. Its that time in the middle which drags. The quiet time. The lonely time.

Towards the end of her life, mum was really sick - really very sick. All my day was about caring for her, and also for dad. Making sure he got to get out a little bit - not for fun but to do those jobs. When she passed, it was all about the funeral and making arrangements. Letting people know and managing to talk to everybody. Even with the funeral done, there was still a lot going on. Now theres not.

With a month passed, memories of the sickness are fading. The constant worry has gone. I don't jump every time a phone rings now. Now theres just nothing- a big empty hole that nothing can ever fill. What I miss the most is just talking to mum. I spoke to her every single day - sometimes more than once. Just chatting about things we'd seen or things we'd done, or silly things the boys had done. That is what makes me the saddest - when something happens and I just want to ring mum and let her know, but then I remember, she's not there any more.

Now I have made a decision - I am going to use this blog as if I was talking to my mum. A way of saying all those things, a record of the trivialities, and maybe even a way to help me get through. Because much as anyone wants to help and tries to help, the reality is that I need to drag myself through and find a way to make it work.