Step inside.....

This is etched into the concrete along our regular bike path. I actually think it is a nice piece of graffiti which is a little ironic. It caught my attention today. Step inside - Be what you imagine. I couldn't step in because I didn't know.

I am sure you know the feeling, and I am sure it is about insecurity - but I am feeling like I don't fit in, you know just a little bit different and on the outer edge of things. Being "in" is not actually anything I have aspired to and I can deal with being "different" but I almost think I am either not quite different enough, just not quite right (for want of a better word). I don't think I could actually deal with someone like me - which is probably why none of my friends are like me. Maybe I do it on purpose?

This isn't a 'poor me' and I feel OK, I just don't really know what I want to do or if I do, how to get there. I see other people living my dream, or at least having a go and I wonder why I just can't or maybe wont. I know that I sabotage myself - over-think and over-plan and under-action things. I am terrible at contacting people, not ringing, texting back and often forgetting to check my messages. I do appreciate the contact and always mean to get back to people. I have a list (I love lists) of people to get back to, but sadly they often get back to me first.

There are a few things that have contributed to this feeling but the biggest influence is probably a movie. On a recommendation (thanks Robyn) I watched Coco avant Chanel. I just had to look up the title - but now the movie makes sense because it was all about her life before she got into designing clothes - that was just a mini montage at the very end (disappointing). However it was about her life and how she approached it. Coco (in this movie) had such an attitude, such a disdain for pretence and a belief in herself that it didn't matter that she was different. In those days it was all about class and breeding which she didn't have, but she was against pretending. She was commonsensical and when she went against the system there was reason, rather than for the systems sake.

Coco was different and she didn't care. She just went on and did what she wanted to do how she wanted to do it. The big question is why can't I?