Tuesday, February 22

I wish somebody would build a bridge...

...so I could get over myself. (from Thirsty Merc song)
I am really my own worst enemy. They say that you create your own destiny and I think I have added a few problem ingredients so it is not all going to plan.
Plan....there in essence is the problem. I like to plan. I have a vision and I see everything perfectly in my head. All laid out from top to bottom and I am forever trying to make that vision a reality - a perfect reality. When (of course) it doesn't happen, I get frustrated. It isn't only for special things such as a party or event but EVERY MORTAL MOMENT. My head is always buzzing about what I want to do, how I want it to be and to look that there is little time to actually DO any of it. My 'condition' has got worse since I had kids. My desire for them to have everything not only gets in the way of them having anything, but also of my happiness, so that they get an even worse experience than if I wasn't trying to do anything at all.
I want them to have an ideal childhood. I try to recreate the things that I really enjoyed and have carried from my childhood. Also I try to protect them from the things that I didn't like. Even that is draining. I now understand WHY I had the exact same ham and cheese sandwich for lunch every single day. I also remember not liking it every day for the 13 years at school, yet mum made it for me so it was easy to sit back and complain. The thought and effort it takes to create a variety in just one lunch box takes effort and I wonder if it would not be better that I just send him off with a standard lunch every day and gave him a little more attention would life be better??
The other challenge is my need to control every situation in line with my vision. This is tiring, but I also get frustrated that no one else knows what my vision is. Why aren't they on the same page as me and do what I see. This is particularly true of the poor big squirrel, who at times just cant seem to get anything right, and I understand his need to just stop trying because whatever he does it will be wrong. I would love to be able to 'plug him in' and show him the picture or plan - it would save so much angst.
Then throw into the mix three little boys that really don't care about the picture at all. They are free, carefree and should be free to have fun. I am already worrying about the future, forever trying to give them everything (in the metaphorical sense) so that they are prepared to face the world. But in doing that, I worry that they may not develop the skills to do it themselves....and all of this worrying about everybody else doesn't make me the best role model does it? I am not doing what makes me happy, fulfilling my dreams. If all that education comes down to deciding what to put in a lunchbox and I living up to my own expectations?
Life does not always go to plan, and I know I need to lighten up and just get on with things, and try to enjoy the little things. So, I am off to take my own advice and get over myself.

1 comment:

  1. As mothers, we are often hardest on ourselves. I guess you have two choices: explain your plans ahead of time to the Big Squirrel/kids/friends so everyone is on the same page, or notice yourself getting stressed and choose to let it go at the time. There are so many bridges that I could/should build - so you're not alone in this. Perhaps I'll just choose to let it go too. x