Today marks one month since mum died. There are lots of little milestones like this along the way, but I think the grief is getting harder, not easier to deal with. With the boys, life goes on. I have to get up every morning and get them off to school and then all the after school activities. Its that time in the middle which drags. The quiet time. The lonely time.
Towards the end of her life, mum was really sick - really very sick. All my day was about caring for her, and also for dad. Making sure he got to get out a little bit - not for fun but to do those jobs. When she passed, it was all about the funeral and making arrangements. Letting people know and managing to talk to everybody. Even with the funeral done, there was still a lot going on. Now theres not.
With a month passed, memories of the sickness are fading. The constant worry has gone. I don't jump every time a phone rings now. Now theres just nothing- a big empty hole that nothing can ever fill. What I miss the most is just talking to mum. I spoke to her every single day - sometimes more than once. Just chatting about things we'd seen or things we'd done, or silly things the boys had done. That is what makes me the saddest - when something happens and I just want to ring mum and let her know, but then I remember, she's not there any more.
Now I have made a decision - I am going to use this blog as if I was talking to my mum. A way of saying all those things, a record of the trivialities, and maybe even a way to help me get through. Because much as anyone wants to help and tries to help, the reality is that I need to drag myself through and find a way to make it work.